Monday, January 31, 2005

Here's Johnny hilights

I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side is you don't hear from your relatives.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with the other muscular lifeguard the girls were admiring.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

The Surgeon General announced today the ultimate safe-sex product. It's called a Rubik's condom: By the time you've figured out how to use it, you've lost the urge.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

There's a new invention: snap-on acne for people who want to look younger.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How could something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

The Oscars are two hours of sparkling entertainment spread over five hours.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

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